Three days ago, I celebrated the eight month anniversary of a date that forever changed the course of my life.  I wanted to get on here that very day eight months ago, and write all about it, but time runs out…  Life gets sad and then life gets happy.  And then life gets horrible.  And then life gets incredible.

Eight months and three days ago, my mom’s amazing caretaker called and told me that my mom’s feeding tube was full of blood.   There’s a long story here about my mom, and her illness, and I’m sure you will be filled in as I go along, but the main take away today, is that my mom was dying.  Like that day.  My mom lived outside of town, and it was a journey that I regularly made, but I couldn’t make it this day. Too heart-wrenching.  Too painful.  I couldn’t make myself get in the car and drive the hours it would take to be with my dying mother.  Mostly, I knew she wouldn’t die without me there and I wanted to prolong that god awful horrific pain as long as I could.  But also, and this is the really fucked up part, I had a date. With a married man.

Yep, I’m married.  Yep, I’m 51.  and Yep, I had a date with a married man whom I’d never met before at Starbucks.  I know.  Scandalous! and even more so because I met him on Ashley Madison.  You know, the site for cheaters that was in the news this summer because they were hacked.  Yeah, the one that didn’t have any “real women” on it and the one where all the men were just “looking” but never followed through.  Guess what?  I’m not a bot, but a real live woman who was on Ashley Madison and I met real live men.  The story of how I got on Ashley Madison is another long ass story that I will get to soon, but for now you only need to know that I met my…. what the fuck am i gonna call him?….lover? boyfriend?badass affair partner? friend?…. well, I met John (as in Doe?) on Ashley Madison; we emailed a few times over a week, and then we agreed to meet at Starbucks on Sunday.

OK – I’m gonna backtrack here a little and give you some background information.  I’ve been married 25+ years to my college sweetheart.  Until flat tire starbucks day, I had never really considered cheating during our entire marriage.  But, ya know, stuff happens.  Husbands cheat.  Moms get sick.  Kids go off to college.  And sometimes life needs diversion or you might. just. go. bat. shit. crazy.

So, that’s how I found myself heading off to “the other side of town” to meet John for the first time.   Angelina, mom’s caretaker calls and basically tells me that my mom is dying.  Like that day.  I can. not. deal. with. that. so I keep driving toward Starbucks.  Suddenly, the most horrendous noise is coming from my car and I realize I have a flat fucking tire.  The universe does not want me to meet this man.  I pull into the crappy little Sunshine Grocery Store and call John and tell him I can’t make it to Starbucks.   No, I don’t tell him my mom is dying, but I tell him I have a fucking flat tire.  He says he’ll come find me so I tell him where I am and then he shows up while I’m waiting for AAA to come fix my flat.

Cute.  He’s cute.  Tall.  Skinny.  Smiley.  He climbs in my car and we immediately start talking.  Now, we’ve never talked before.  Only exchanged emails over the last week and not very many of those, so I’m pleasantly surprised that I feel so comfortable talking in my car with a complete stranger.  Car gets fixed and we move on to original plan – Starbucks.  At Starbucks, we continue our conversation.  It’s amazing how much we learned about each other that day.  I have no idea how long we talked, but I learned about his family, wife, marriage, religion, drugs, alcohol, college.  He went to the same university I did.  Same time I did.  He’s married.  Loves his wife.  Kids are incredibly important to him.  Never leaving his wife and family.  He’s not religious.  Not a big drinker, but drinks.  Drug use in college.  This came out when it became clear I was looking for a bad boy.

Yet, I just really wasn’t feeling it.  Cute?  check.  Nice? check.  Funny? check.  I dunno.  Maybe it was the fact that my mom was dying and keeping me in a total fog, but I was pretty sure that I wasn’t gonna have an affair.  I’m pretty sure I actually never really intended to have an affair.  I was just acting out.  I was just trying to recover from my husband’s affairs.  So, when we were leaving, I was ready to say good bye.

Then, he grabbed me and kissed me.

That kiss changed my life.  It was the most passionate kiss I had ever experienced in my life.  It was romantic movie level kiss.  Middle of the day.  Outside Starbucks.  Oh. my. god.  The man can kiss.  And kiss. And kiss.  I never wanted to stop kissing him.  I think I could’ve stood there for hours, just kissing him.  I could’ve stood there for days.